Funny
May 16, 2013

Open Mic Announcements

By Daniel Nester

The following open mic announcements will be followed by an open mic.

Next week's open mic will feature an open mic, and will also be preceded by an open mic and followed by an open mic.

There's been some changes at the Friday open mic.

To clarify: this Friday's open mic is still the Read The Same Shit You Read Last Month Open Mic. I know that it's usually the case we have the Read What You Just Wrote in Your Notebook Open Mic on Friday nights, but some have pointed out that they haven't written anything new since the last month, or the month before that; thus the change.

Next Friday's open mic, however, will definitely still be the No-Academics Allowed Open Mic. We just want to make sure we exclude only people who teach other people writing, because we think that can only lead to horrible things at our open mic. We want to stress, however, that self-taught nuclear scientists, hobbyist emergency room nurses, autodidact violinists, weekend warrior brain surgeons, and dilettante air traffic controllers are all still welcome to come and read their work at the open mic.

Mike's Open Mic, hosted by Mike, featuring Mike, Mike's best friend, Mike's girlfriend, Big Mike, Little Mike, Mike Love of the Beach Boys, Mike Michaels, Mike Nesmith, Michael Lerned from the Waltons, Miguel Michaelson, Michaela Mykhylenko, and Mitch Mitchell, will be Saturday.

Sunday morning is the Mise-en-Abime Open Mic. Also known as the Open Mic-within-an-Open Mic, this open mic is held in Woodstock in high summer once a year upon the new moon in July. Performers at the Open Mic-within-an-Open Mic must use their three-minute open mic slots to host an open mic of their own, in the true spirit of open mic participatory democracy. Open mic-ers must bring their own sign-up sheet so other members of the open mic community may sign up to perform during each mic time slot, until each open mic implodes into a fractal loop of open mic-ery. This innovative evening of open mics will conclude with an open mic.

Also coming up is I Like Mic: How to Succeed in Your Open Mic Performance. This all-day workshop, taught by Mike of Mike's Open Mic fame, will focus on all the elements that comprise a successful open mic. Topics include: apologizing for the piece you're about to read, telling the entire story of a poem you're about to read, confessing you're really nervous, bragging that the poem you're about to read was just published inOne Testicle Quarterly, showing up an hour late and signing up anyway (then leaving early), and how to project one's voice over the whir of baristas steaming milk in Barnes and Nobles. The class will culminate with an open mic.

Besides the Connecticut Muffin Phone Belt-Clip-Only Open Mic, there is also the Affluent Suburb Blackfaced Open Mic Jig. A free expression-based open mic held at in upper Dutchess County, it invites Caucasian participants to perform in historically African-American art forms. These include jazz, free jazz, bop, hard bop, funk, rock and roll, quiet storm R&B, jive-talking, freestyle rapping, and urban slang.

There's an open call for submissions to the Third Annual Flea Market of Dismissed and/or Outdated Ideas Open Mic, which will feature reactionary contrarian internet trolls, Depressed Upper-Middle-Class Hippie Girl, Wiccan Pug Owners, Atheist Sleepwalkers, French and Indian War Re-enactors, the Glens Falls Ginger Lynn Fan Club, Glow-in-the-Dark Colostomy Bag Wearers, Commercial-grade Extra-fine Sandpaper Frottage Militants, Tenured Academics who Self-Publish Spy Novels with Viking Lead Characters, and Not-yet Self-aware Members of the Bourgeoisie Who Just ReadSavage Inequalities and Think This Shit is Wrong. Signup at 5:15 p.m.

There's also Dante's Open Mic. Held in the Un-Absolved level of Dante Alighieri's Ante-Purgatory as depicted inThe Divine Comedy, this open mic is open to writers who, while they were among the living, only went to events that featured an open mic where they would be allowed to read their work. As punishment, they will be forced to witness a cavalcade of events that were not preceded or followed by an open mic. These include: the first reading of "Howl" by Allen Ginsberg at the Six Gallery in 1955, the first Chicago reading of "We Real Cool" by Gwendolyn Brooks in 1959, with short readings by Basho, Czeslaw Milosz, William Carlos Williams, Langston Hughes, and Eugenio Montale.

Finally, new of another exciting new open mic, which has started just across town. It's called the Bringing Us Knowledge And Certified Craft Everywhere Open Mic, or BUKACCE for short. Here's how the BUKACCE Open Mic organizers describe it on their Facebook page:

"This open mic invites all real poets to come and freely express themselves. We call it the BUKACCE Open Mic because that's what it is: free expression for everyone everywhere.

We do not welcome poets to the BUKACCE Open Mic whose work is overly dramatic or memorized, or uses over-expressive leg or arm movements, including pelvic thrusts or sticking out of the tongue or modulation of voice, such as singing, incantations or beatboxing, or words that reflect a spontaneous overflow of feelings or that which employs any hip-hop cadence.

We want the BUKACCE Open Mic to rain down on everyone in the audience, and as long as you write poetry that is enough like Billy Collins or Mary Oliver or Charles Bukowski, it will do just that. So save up your best poetry for us, because we only want the thickest, strongest jets of verse to spout off of our BUKACCE Open Mic stage. We are only looking for real poets at the BUKACCE Open Mic who can invoke revolutionary statements that align with the BUKACCE Open Mic participants' milquetoast reactionary liberal politics. Other than that, everyone is welcome to open their mouths at the BUKACCE Open Mic. Signups are at 7pm."

And now for the open mic.

Daniel Nester‘s most recent book, How to Be Inappropriate, described as “a deeply funny new collection of booger-flecked nonfiction” in Time Out New York, was published by Soft Skull Press in 2010. He is editor of The Incredible Sestinas Anthology, due out from Write Bloody Publishing later this year.  Currently, he is an associate professor of English at The College of Saint Rose in Albany, NY, where he teaches creative nonfiction and poetry.



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